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We talk about "sustain" a lot when we play MOBAs.  My brain wants to map that term also to things like diet.

Here's what I know -- I had a miscarriage in December of 2014.  Around April/May of 2015 I made a conscious decision to stop with the dieting.  I got pregnant again, I miscarried again, and I gained weight because hormones are a hell of a drug.

And ultimately, I forgave myself.  I gave myself "permission" to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to.  I did not lose weight.  I decided I was okay with that.

I have been on restrictive diets for nearly twenty years.  I have worked out intermittently for the same amount of time.  I have punished myself for not looking like my sisters, or my cute younger self, or Angelina Jolie.  I have tried the path of cruelty and comparison, of denying myself tasty things and working out until I'm ready to drop from exhaustion.  After two decades, I think it's time to admit that it isn't working.

In December 2015 my husband griped about his weight, and I said, "Well, let's do something about it."  And it wasn't coming from a place of "I'm fat and ugly and I need to lose weight" but "I really don't want to buy new clothes, and I'd like to drop some pounds, so let's work on that".

A diet that leans toward meats, fats, vegetables, and fruits seems to be the one where I lose comfortably.  Carbs are great, but they process fast, I get hungry, and then I'm blowing my calorie budget.  So I'm looking at "sustain", and in this case that means a relatively higher-fat diet with good protein levels, and some avoidance of carbohydrates (beans and fruit are still on the menu; white bread, rice, corn are not).  We give ourselves a day off once a week because pizza and pancakes.

But this week was the first major trial, and I ate corn chips and tortillas, and I didn't freak out.  In one case, I'd come home exhausted and just needed a break from dinner shenanigans.  In the other, we went to a super awesome restaurant with amazing handmade tortillas; I wasn't going to deny myself that.  These choices I can live with.

And I am working out, but not to an excrutiating level.  Three times a week I jog a mile and lift weights.

This is, I think, sustainable.  I'll let you know in a few months if I'm still at it, or if it's effective at weight loss, which is the goal, after all.  I feel pretty good, though.  So there's that.

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